The Dream

Scene 1: A girl enters the apartment. She had a spare key. She drops the bags on the bed and gets ready take a shower.

Scene 2: The girl had taken a shower but not inside the apartment. For reasons unknown, she had to shower in another bathroom in the building. She's on her way back to his apartment. Nothing is amiss except that the building is no longer an apartment building but a hotel with a big lobby. She notices this but takes it in stride.

Scene 3: She crosses the lobby to access the elevator that will take her back to his apartment. The elevator door opens, she is now worried. The hallways seemed familiar but does not take her back to his apartment. She tries different hallways, with no success. She keeps backtracking to the lobby, almost certain that the path she tried should lead her there.

Scene 4: She is upset. She is confused and anxious that he should find out she had gone to his apartment. She did not let him know she was coming. Her bags were sitting on his bed. She really did not want him to know.

Interpretation: This girl is me. I could sit here all night contemplating the meaning of my dream as I listen to the soundtrack from Les Miserables. Or I could take it for what it is. A simple sign.

Conversations of the past few days seem to land, one way or another, on working abroad and making money. This has been on my mind. My latest educational endeavour is scheduled to end in 8 months. Equipped with a graduate degree, there is a certain expectation that the world would be my oyster, ready to open up to reveal a long hidden pearl that will magically transform my life into the bliss that I've been waiting for.



Wrong

As I begin to consider my options in more details, well...details arise.

1) How will I find a job?
2) Will said job pay well? - I'm sick of working for close to no money
3) Where would I consider living?
4) Am I willing to pack up my life here for now? - Yes!But leaving family and friends is always hard.
5) How long would I be away for?

Another Sex & the City Moment

It totally was. This summer I'm mostly hanging with some girl friends and our weekly dinner/ Saturday night get together is starting to mysteriously feel like an episode out of Sex & the City. Today we actually talked about it too. We were trying to figure out characters and whatnot.

Kathy is a 33 year old massage therapist who lives on the North Shore. She has 2 degrees, one in Biology, one in Nursing and now she has given up all those for a thriving career as a massage therapist. Kathy introduced me as her best friend at the last party we went to. Current Men Situation (CSM): Kathy is in love with a bus driver who is 60 years old, she's casually dating a 32 year old who has a 17 year old daughter and occasionally makes out with a 53 year old who has 3 kids.

Lily is a 28 year old graduate student in the middle of switching majors. She lived in the states for awhile but has decided to call Vancouver her home. She's close friends with my cousin. I had only met her last year through a mutual friend whom I known in high school. Current Men Situation (CSM): Lily is going through some rough times. She just found out that her recent ex-boyfriend is getting married to a woman his mom had picked out for him months ago. He failed to mentioned this tiny lil fact to her until a couple of days ago. What-an-idiot. Needless to say, she's pissed and going through rough times. Went to the clinic today, doctor says she may be pregnant. Blood test done, results in 5 days.


Farah is a 37 year old teacher turned bank teller. She's sexy and confident but repeatedly has man issues. I had only met her 6 months ago when I moved out of my old place and she moved in. Farah is new to this country and culture. I felt the need to take her under my wings and introduce some friends to her. Current Men Situation (CSM): I have a feeling Farah was hurt once before, really bad. But she is looking and haven't been having much luck. She's beautiful and attract attention where ever she goes because of her bubbly personality.

My CSM: Nothing, nada, zero...nothing on the horizon and you know, let's keep it like that for a little while :) It's me time.

What is this restlessness?

I spent the last 3 hours (and most of last night, really) aimlessly searching the web for activities to do on my upcoming time off from school. Not only that, I also aimlessly browsed job postings for hours on end until my eyes are unable to stay open and I have a pounding headache. What is this?

Have I learned nothing from the meditation retreat I have recently been to? What is this need to plan and try to fill my time, and life? Am I doing this for myself or am I doing it so that I can tell people...oh this summer I did this and that. What did YOU do? Maybe it's a fear of having the summer pass by without any significant learning.

Ideas I'm playing around with for the summer:

1) Ocean kayaking
2) Scuba diving
3) Meditation
4) Camping

Perhaps it is because I feel like I've studied so hard this year and this is my one and only chance to go out and do stuff. Which it is. But what is my greatest fear here? What's the worst case scenario?

That summer came and went without any new experiences. The start of another full school year without having relaxed at all. That's my biggest fear.

Anyways, 2 more papers to go...2 more discussions before my 'summer vacation' even begins. Nose to the grind...

Story of a monk in the forest

There was once a monk who sat very quietly in the forest. This monk sat so quietly, he did not even bat an eyelash. Soon the animals of the forest began to come to the pond nearby to drink from it, oblivious to the existence of the monk. Later yet, the monk began to notice creatures that he has never seen before. Creatures his parent have never known of to tell him. This is the story of the monk who sat quietly in the forest.

Ripples in my pond of serenity

Since coming home from my retreat on Saturday, I have had one day of peace where I stayed home and got some school work done. I've had a visitor in my home since then.It has been 3 days. It didn't dawn on me how much I have come to appreaciate my independence and peace of mind. While I love the company of people at times, at others...human interaction is just pure torture. Not to say this it torture right now but I'm definitely ready for some solitude.

It is true that the most difficult part of learning something is in putting it to practise. In the face of all the complaining, stress is beginning to seep back into my life. Slowly but very surely. I see it now. All the stress people create for themselves from greed. The want to save money, the want to make more money, the want to have the best of everything, the want of all their dream to come true. How deluded. There will never be contentment if we continue to travel down this path. Acting as though our very lives (and happiness) depended upon getting the best. As though we will be anhilated should we not get the best television set, or the best kitchen cabinet. I'm willing to put money where it says we will not perish in light of not having the granite countertops match the colour of the wall.

A desktop background at a previous job site once said:

Relax, everything we were meant to do has already been done.

Lessons from Ayya

1) Somethings cannot be learned through logic
2) You would have to be in the middle to be able to see both extremes
3) You have to forgive and realize that we are all doing our best, love unconditionally

Blissing Out

I've just come back from doing a meditation retreat, something I have never done before. It was quite an amazing experience. I had an instant connection with the teacher/ nun. She used to live in Malaysia, believe it or not. In Penang.

For the 4 days we did not talk and fasted after 12pm. We slept on makeshift beds at 9pm and woke up at 5am everyday. The retreat was filled with bouts of sitting and walking meditation. When Ayya (the teacher) referred to retreat go-ers as "retreat junkies" I almost bowled over with laughter. She also says people mistakenly attend retreats with the purpose of "blissing out." Which I thought I was funny too because my experience was not one of bliss...at all. It was a lot of back ache, cramps in my legs and shifting around. I miss Ayya. Her smile which is at one time mischievous, at one time kind but she can be quick to reproach too. When she chanted her love for the Buddha, I cried.

So now it's back to life. Sensory overload for the first day but things are increasingly getting back to normal. I did learn though, I did.

Marinated Tofu with Vegetables

500g firm tofu
1/3 cup soy sauce
3 cloves garlic
2 tbsp ginger
1 onion
1 red capsicum
150g sno peas

Source: The New Stir-fry Cookbook

As I come back from my Silent Meditation Retreat I've been trying desperately to grasp onto any remaining shred of peace possible. With the demands of daily life, it is difficult to "slow down and smell the roses." I miss the monastery and the unhurried calm that seems to prevail there. So I came home and I cooked.

Brunch Scones

* 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
* 4 teaspoons baking powder
* 5 tablespoons unsalted butter
* 5 tablespoons white sugar
* 2/3 cup whole milk
* 1/2 cup currants
* 1 egg yolk, beaten

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Lightly grease a baking sheet or line with baking parchment.
2. Sift flour and baking powder into a medium bowl. Rub butter and sugar into flour to form a fine crumble. Make a well in center, and add milk and currants. Knead gently together, being careful not to over mix. Dough will be sticky.
3. On a generously floured surface, roll out dough to 3/4 inch thickness. Stamp out 2 1/2 inch rounds with a plain pastry cutter. Transfer to prepared pan, and brush tops with egg yolk. Allow to stand for 15 minutes.
4. Bake in preheated oven until risen and lightly golden on top, 12 to 15 minutes. Remove to a rack to cool.

Source: allrecipes.com

The Best Things in Life are Free

Swimming pools have the ability to immediately make me regress back to childhood. I don't know if it is the smell of chlorine or the water sloshing into my face...but swimming pools just give me a sense of calm. A sense of security where my parents are nearby and I know we'll be having a great lunch/ dinner after at the hotel restaurant...and I can have anything my little heart wanted.

I love being in the water! Life seems so much simpler as I feel my 'problems' melt away one by one. There is something about being in water that makes one stop and breathe. Perhaps it is how it makes us aware that we are human beings who are vulnerable (by not being able to breathe underwater) and inconsequential in the bigger picture.

Thank god for good friends

Somedays my life just feels like a scene out of Sex & the City. After slaving on the computer all day, I decided to text a bunch of friends for dinner and they all came out. I love spur of the moment get togethers. Anyways I don't remember sharing so much laughter with a bunch of my single friends in the last little while. I've always known that my friends are there just waiting for me to emerge from my slum. And there they were...

Where: Red Robins Robson & Thurlow then our favourite hookah place on Granville

What: Dinner & Hookah

Why: Because we all needed to laugh

When: This evening after doing homework all day

Who: The girls

An all around good time! We got to do what all girls love to do...gossip about boys!! And in some drama too and it was a scandalous night!

My Life Be Like...

As I look out the window of my 3rd floor apartment, I realize how very lonely my life is. Obligations of school and work have put me in a place of self-cherishing with very little time for others, even in their time of need. Who was it who said that relationships are all about give and take, and I have done nothing but take with very little giving back. My assignments and study days have become more important to me when the people I used to care about.

So it is only natural that when my time of need comes, there isn't anyone around except for my most loyal of friends. But even they have felt the strain of the relationship I am sure. Most of my relationships have been driven away one by one as I sat by and watched. A decision still needs to be made if there is any hope of restoration. Do I change my perspective and begin to consider other people's needs before my own? I can't. More like I won't. School is still the most important part of my life and I think the signal is out there loud and clear.

If I should have to choose between sacrificing a friendship/ relationship for that piece of paper, I am embarrassed to say that my actions speak louder than words.

For all my sleepless nights

I've been having difficulty sleeping at night for the past little while. I chalk it to not having much to look forward to the next day. Why go to bed if all there is to look forward to is another long day of studying or guilt from not studying.

Such is my life right now.

So my friend, Melatonin, has been circling the block a few times but it might be time to quit. Side effects include nightmares, depression, fast heartbeat?!

Somedays

Some days I was wake in the morning and will for it to be dark again
Some days I wake in the morning wishing the birds would stop chirping
Some days I wake in the morning and I wonder why
But of all the days...I live for the ones I wake up wondering why not

Chocolate Orange Biscotti with Almonds

Who would have guessed?

Baking can actually be soothing.You wouldn't think it but it is.As my heart breaks for the umpteenth time, I turn to the mixing, combining, melting for comfort. There is obviously the eating afterwards but it almost doesn't count if you actually made it yourself. And it certainly doesn't count when you got your heart broken...again...by the same man...for the 15th time.

What is it about Julia Child?

I've seen the movie, now I'm reading the book. What is it about the notion of cooking your way through a cookbook that is so intriguing? Perhaps Julia Child is a reminder of everyone's grandmother, perhaps it is her passion for cooking. An old university professor once told me that one could be anything in the world, you just have to be the best at what you do. Perhaps Julia Child is the best at what she does, which is why people are drawn to her and her story. The unwavering sense of self and what brings her joy in life. After all it isn't about out doing one another, is it? She knows what gives her joy. That, my friends, may be the most important realization yet.

On turning 30

It is a couple months yet, but I'm turning 30 this year. Since I was a little girl 30 have been somewhat of a milestone. In my mind I have images of myself, of what I want to have accomplished by this age and how my life would be.

I saw myself being a successful career woman, who wears suits to work and high heels. Someone who is sophisticated, well educated and makes a good living. I also though I would be married by 30. This, I'm sure, was influenced by the fact that my mother had me when she was 29 years old; a year after they were married.

Now let's take stock of where I am. Two months shy of being 30 I am well-travelled, I am well educated. A couple of years ago I would have no problem saying I am confident and fun but this is no longer true. Well, at some level...but no. The choice to return to school has changed the person that I am and the lifestyle that I lead rather significantly. I do know, however, that the changes are only temporary and my lifestyle will change again once school is over. It will :)

So, yes. Thirty finds me in a period of transition and laying low. It may not be the most fun year of my life but it represents years of determination and dedication I have put into achieving a goal. Flanked in the middle between first year and final year, I am smack in the middle.

You may ask what my goal is...and my answer would be...that it's ever changing. I have always wanted and known that I would have a masters degree and now I am almost there. I have also always known that I would be working for an NGO and that it would take me places. Literally to foreign countries. That part has yet to materialize but it will. I am working on it.

All in all I must say that I have been pretty lucky in life. Very lucky, actually. Family that matters, a little cluster of friends who also matter and the opportunity to make my dreams come to life.

Bye Bye Forever

All these years of working in social services, I have worked with many abused women. It wasn't until last year that I got a taste of what it was like to be afraid of a man.Sure, as a child, I was afraid of my mother. I still am. You have not met my mother...

My living arrangement for the past 6 months was rather peculiar. I rented out a room in a house which was shared by 2 other people. Another woman and a man. The advertisement read:

Room for rent, house to share with female roommate.


Perhaps it was just me, perhaps it wasn't but not long after moving in I had the distinct feeling there was something fishy about my new landlord. Contrary to what he will have you believe, he very much lives in the house too. He is a lonely, single, middle aged man who claims to "mostly" live in the basement while renting out the upstairs of his house...always to young single women like myself. And mostly foreign, again like myself.


The first time I met him we spent over an hour in his kitchen, with me listening and him talking. He presented himself as an honest, down to earth kinda guy who is busy and leads a healthy life. I bought into it. Until today it baffles me how I could have fallen for all of that.

It didn't take me long to realize what my parents and friends realized the first time they visited me at the house. Nobody got good vibes. As it turns out he was overly friendly and has no sense of personal space when it came to women. He always stands too close. At one point it felt like he was always rushing upstairs to the kitchen when I was there as he wanted to chat. He just seemed really desperate for attention and affection. I almost feel sorry for him. There was more than once where I've wondered if my room was bugged or had cameras hidden in it.

In the 6 months I lived there, my mother only visited once. I did not invite friends to come over often. In every event that someone was visiting, the landlord would show up in a heartbeat. I started to detest him more and more. Comments he would make to me include:

"Did you realize we've been talking a shower at the same time for the past 3 days?"

Once he even cleaned my washroom. That was the last straw, I felt violated. From that point on I was absolutely convinced that he is creepy. So began my journey to hell. As it turns out he's only really nice to you when you're behaving exactly the way he wants. Giggly and appreciative of his advances.

After the washroom incident, I confronted him. From then on my domestic life was quite the living hell. He would pick on me for every little thing and often I was afraid as he can be bossy and broody. Honestly quite scary. He held me to our 6 month contract and so I stayed. Two months of awkward existence follows. I felt like a victim. Helpless, powerless.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. The lesson I've learned, for one, is to never put myself in that situation again. I feel somewhat sorry for the girls who are still living there. It took me 2 months to get out of that situation and he almost wouldn't let me leave. Or so it felt...

Now I know. This is what it feels like to be intimidated by an abusive man. You'll be glad to know that I am out of that situation. As of 2pm yesterday, I have learned a huge, huge lesson.

P.S. Oddly enough we had a system in the house where you'd have to mark yourself in and out. So at any one time he would know how many people are there..AND our bedroom doors did not lock, or rather he didn't want them locked.

I will NEVER, EVER put myself in such a vulnerable position again. EVER!

Julie & Julia

Patiently waiting for my movie to finish loading last night, I fell asleep. This morning I rolled out of bed, pressed play on the screen and waited. I sit amongst my worldly posession scattered in every direction leaving little room to walk on.

Yes, my friends. I am moving again. It lasted 6 months this time. Congratulations, good job.