dont really know whats going on in this fucked up head of mine right now...had an online conversation with the dumper and needless to say it was a disaster. as always...any form of contact always leaves me feeling tired and drained. so recently we've been exchanging niceties like decent people do...i decided that we had to do the entire formal "we need to talk" thing. he took it the wrong way entirely. it's as if he thought i wanted to get back together which is not the case. all i need is to understand what's going on with him. if only he would take the time to logically explain everything on his mind, i would understand. truly i would.
but instead he just ignores me like he has in the past 2 months and that has hurt my feelings more than anything else. by shutting me off like this...he is saying that i will not understand.
how could this have happened? so quickly at that? oh great...here's my old buddy denial again. this time though...it's not about breaking up...but rather about the person. how is it that u can see a person everyday for years yet not know the person...at all?? as much as im bothered by being ignored, there is now proof of what a bad judge of character i truly am... and its staring me straight in the face.
i resign...from life...from having dreams...from making an effort...from being upset...from caring...here's my two weeks notice...dont mind if i blend into the wall from now til then. if you dont try, if you dont risk anything, if you dont open up to people...then there is no chance of getting hurt.
weird that i should think things have changed now that he has left malaysia. thought he would have had more time to think things over...to finally be ready to open up and explain everything...i was wrong...yet again.
on top of all this...on tuesday...there will be 6 hours of exams...where the point of every question is to prove that i am wrong, that i know nothing, that i will never know anything and that everything i thought i knew...is actually a joke.
so dont mind if i say "screw you and the entire blasted universe!! we're all so fucking delusional and self-centred that we wouldnt know a good thing if it sat on our faces"
--->to all of you who decide to venture forth in this fucking rat race which is really nothing more than a figment of our imaginations....i wish you luck coz one day...on ur death bed...everything will be clear but by then it would already be too late. ganbatte minnasan...you'll need it
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