take two - typing, typing but could not stand the way things were coming out sounding like one big whine fest. so i ask myself - what is it that i'm trying to communicate here? what is the essence of all these thoughts i'm having at 3 am in the morning? perhaps its closer to 4 now, i do not know.
is this shittiness due to the lack of sleep or is it something else? if so, what? why now? there are so many thoughts in my mind that i'm finding this struggle difficult to comprehend. a maze, that's what it feels like. perhaps one with mirrors where everywhere you go, you see your own face. as you're looking at your own reflection, you hate the worried look that is creeping up yet as you push forward that expression persists. you hate it yet nothing in your power could take it away, given the situation. ie. the amusement park where you first paid to get into the maze is closing, you're convinced no one is gonna realize you're stuck and cannot find your way out. to make things worse, you start remembering every horror movie you've ever watched that involved scary clowns in the after hours of amusement parks. so there, now you're up to speed. needless to say, i'm feeling...lost.
and perhaps a little self-hatred at this point. for being so stupid and for not being stronger. the cards i've been dealt were really good ones, perhaps too good. had it gone to someone else, perhaps this other person would have been more successful at this game. as a matter of fact, im almost certain. the thing is...
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