He Doesn't Care

He really doesn't care. Really, he doesn't. Why is it so difficult for me to comprehend?

He's not an idiot, he's not shy. He just knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. He knows I like him, heck he has known for a year now...

*sigh*

Had a good long chat with my roommate and even she is getting a bit annoyed with my inability to let things go. You know?

And to a certain extent, I hate myself for being like this. If you know me at all, you'd know that independence is something I value above a lot of things. You have no idea how much of a beating my pride is taking, waiting around for him. I feel like a little puppy following him around, thankful and appreciative of any affection he chooses to give.

My roommate, Jay, pointed out that I really don't know this guy very well. What I know of him is what he has told me. I have only seen him 3 times about a year ago. We talked A LOT on the phone, like A LOT...and also this was a year ago almost...

Why is it that I seem to have an issue with letting go? Clinging, clinging, clinging. What am I afraid of? Perhaps it's the fear of never feeling this way again. The crazy excited feeling of falling in love? The excitement, the I can't wait to see you again, the I'll text you right after we've spoken on the phone for 5 hours thing. Maybe that's what I'm addicted to, the falling in love feeling...

Oh god, I haven't felt like that for so long. Too long. The infatuation phase of a relationship.

While on one hand I feel the want to get into a relationship again, I can't do it with just anyone. Where is the excitement, I need the excitement...the butterflies in my stomach...

And to make things worse, I'm leaving soon. Not that it makes things worse but...it just doesn't help my singledom. Weird, I feel ready to settle down pretty soon. Not interms of wanting to get married but wanting some stability in life. A job, a permanent address, a dog, a partner...

Soon. One more big trip, I swear then the normad shoes will go up on the shelf. At least for a little while. Don't think I've lived in the same place for more than one year since...2002 and that was only for 2 years. The last time it felt like I had a permanent address was more than 6 years ago. Wow.

Yes girly, you can't be travelling forever.

Pfft, sure I can...

Would love to take my kids to India someday.