Loneliness is a gut feeling

In the sense that I feel it in the bottom of my heart.

Here we go again, I've blocked him from my msn. There will no longer be any communication. I feel so lonely, it's as if I have cut off the last little bit of chord that tied him to me.

He messages me and goes off over and over again, it feels like I'm constantly waiting around for him. And again the whole me wanting to come home to chat with him instead of going out with friends bit is getting to be a bit much...enough.

Murni, you're right of course. I do deserve better and if he's being like this now...do I even want to be with him? Not really. If he's so unsure then he will always be unsure about me anyways. Guess you really can't choose who to fall for and who to not...

I've had an awesome day today. It was filled with love and sharing with friends. Things are good. The only thing that had left me feeling shitty was the communication or there lack of, and from a behavioural perspective...there's the problem, get rid of it...and you'll get rid of the bad feelings. But also a limitation for that theory is that they discount the role of emotions. So while I may try to forget about him once again, the feelings will still be there...locked up somewhere.

Perhaps I shall write him a letter. An email explaining my predicament. Letting him know how I feel once again, not that he doesn't already know. No, no, no...bad idea. I should just disappear. He KNOWS how I feel about him. He really does. And I think he knows me well enough to know that I'm hiding from him for a reason. For the same reason as before...

So I relapsed and let him get under my skin again this time...it's okay.

Ughh...I don't think it will work, this trying to forget about him bullshit. It hasn't before and bottling up emotions doesn't work for me anymore. I feel the need to express it...to express how I feel...yes, maybe I will write a letter...for my own peace of mind...

This is kinda sucky, there are a couple of boys in my life right now but they're just friends. Like today for instance we went to play tennis then out for dinner. Aftert that we went for a late night walk and talked for a bit. Then there was this other guy I brought to a party with me last week and we hangout, just the two of us, quite a bit. And there's this other guy from work who calls on the weekends...but they always end up being friends.

I remember one guy said to me one time (this is someone else) that I didn't seem interested. And when I asked what he meant, if he meant I wasn't interested in him? He said - everything.

There is definitely a lack of enthusiasm on my part. Or is it that I'm afraid of getting close to guys? You know, the whole once bitten twice shy thing. Not entirely true though, I really liked the online guy I was talking about and told him how I felt and made efforts to ask him out.

So maybe it's a matter of meeting a guy that would really motivate me to come out of my shell, to put myself out there.

Someone to risk getting hurt for...