Do You See What I See?

9pm Friday, 7th March.

Four days after coming home I find myself packing again. Next week I move. This is getting to be a little ridiculous. Can I do this? At times it doesn't feel like it. Things are just not going as smoothly as I thought it would. There are so many decisions to be made. So many adult decisions I cannot make.

In a sense I suppose this could be an initiation. Into a new phase of life.

Haha, it is funny in a sense too. I feel like a teenager, kicking and screaming in frustration all the way into adulthood. Perhaps events of today made me realize that I am more on my own than I thought. My parents were arguing as they often do. Screaming at each other in exasperated voices. They turn to me out of desperation, I look away.

This is exactly the reason I can no longer live with my parents. Am I being selfish? There are just too many uncertainties in life right now that I cannot take on their issues. Today I've had my mum say to me, "I want to leave." I turned away. Today my dad said, "Look I've already finished half the bottle." I turned away. I cannot take on their issues. So I leave. I want to pack my bags and leave tomorrow.

Closer to 30 now than 20, I have no job, no place to live when I move to the city, not much money. Yet they turn to me. Someone who has been wandering aimlessly for the past year and a half. They say that people are never as alone as the day they lose their parents. Today I realize that I cannot depend on my parents. Even now, especially now. Issues do not go away, they grow with age, they grow with you.

Deep Breath.

There is so much to work on within myself. So many issues arising, I am unable to take on their issues. Sorry, but I can't without falling into a rut. We all have issues we have to deal with ourselves. I am treading water right now, trying to stay afloat so please do not grab onto me.

The decision has been made. I am moving next week into the city with no job, no place to live. I have to make this work. There is no other choice.