A Question of...What?

Sometimes I wonder if hell is where I'll end up. Or could it be the very situation I'm living in right now.

Mum is here in Van for a few days again. It was my birthday yesterday and she came out to celebrate it with me. I wonder if it was more for me or an excuse to make a trip out here for her. Perhaps a combination of both. While it is much appreciated, it was 2 days filled with stress. Yet again she kept insisting on buying me things I don't need. And I'll have to battle her with essays upon essays on how I don't need this or that. Or that I would rather wait until I find one I really like. She doesn't understand that my life is simple and I'd like to keep it that way.

A few hours into her trip here it all begins.

Out of nowhere, of course, she begins talking about issues of our family. Lots of which I am NOT INTERESTED IN!! Subconsciously this is also a reason I've moved away from the island. For the hundreth time, let me say this. My family is dysfunctional. It feels like a burden.

And perhaps even within my family, some people do not understand how I choose to be impartial. I have been accused of not caring and not wanting to help. This is not fair. For years I have lived in the situation of being stuck in a fight I had no part in. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. And yet so many years when we've all lived under one roof, and even when we didn't, I have let myself be brought down by the unhappiness of others. Seeing family members hurting is not something enjoyable nor it is pleasant.

At the risk of getting depressed myself, I choose to walk away. Is this avoidance? Perhaps it is, but what choice do I have? This fight has nothing to do with me and I have learned in numerous situations before that getting myself involved always does not end well. It involves a lot of yelling and getting angry and petty backstabbing. I choose to walk away from this.

I just can't do it.

Everyone wants to talk to me about it but I don't want to be involved. Mum will complain about dad and my brother. Dad and my brother will want to talk about mum. I want no part in this petty fight. We all have choices. If they choose to be stuck in a situation like that so be it.

With mum being here, she has brought this with her. I feel stuck, I feel suffocated, I feel my peace and this little haven I've created for myself infringed upon. So you see, it is not that I don't love my family, or want for things to be better. I just don't see what I can do to help the situation. It is not my fight.