Can't very well describe my feelings today. The apartment seems so empty. My life seems so empty. The past few days were busy like crazy but now everyone is gone. Perhaps it's time to face the music. It just goes to show that things WILL catch up with you.
Finally got something in the mail today. Actually, it has been in the mail box for the past week. The reason I know this is because I took one look at the printed BCOU letters and chucked it back into the mailbox hoping it would disappear. Hoping that my parents would not suddenly have the urge to check for mail. It worked well for a week. Today, mum opened the mail box. Rats!
So it is true then. Ignoring things will not work. It really is time for me to face the music. My brother is leaving for Vancouver in about an hour or so. An uncle who was visiting from there will also be leaving sometime this month...as in March. The time I have been dreading for the past 4 months has arrived.
Time to book a date for my return flight. I...it's...umm...just...nothing seems to make sense anymore. I have no idea what I want. Heck, don't even know what I SHOULD want. The worst thing is that no one can help me this time. And I know this.
It's always the same. Nothing is ever better...eventually. Started out in University not knowing what I wanted. Kept saying to myself that somewhere along the way, I will figure things out. Now 4 years later, I still haven't got a clue.
3 and a 1/2 months ago at the beginning of this trip, I was sposed to work on deciding if moving back to Malaysia was a good idea.
Time and time again, I keep expecting there to be clear cut results. Never happens. For god's sake, I can't even make up my mind on everyday things. Why all this fear? What am I afraid of? It's as if every decision I make is the one that I will have to stick with forever and ever. Which is perhaps true because every event in life contributes to the making of a person.
Hmm...am not thinking straight. Cannot seem to form proper sentences in my head. There are too many questions. Too many fears. My life has turned into a war and me...an ill equipped soldier who has no idea what the war is about but scared shitless of the enemy.
Watched Ally McBeal again today...and friends...and that 70's show. In today's episode of everybody loves raymond, the wife found out that he kept a tape recording of an old girlfriend who dumped him 20 years ago. Now why would he do something like that, right? He said that it was because he really wanted to know why she dumped him. Is this really all THAT important?
It's...I...but...life...I'm so confused. Am not sure of my past, present and future. Disorientated would be the perfect word to describe me right now. Lost. Now that I'm on my own again...what does the world expect of me? What do I expect from myself? Is it just me against the world now?
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