The Death of Jay

12.05 am - June 28th, 2005

Deleted the folder entitled 'Jay' in my mailbox.

Contained inside the folder was all 128 messages from Jay since the first time I had met him. I feel empty. Until now, there has been proof that we had a history together. The emails dated back to 2000 when we had very first met. Poems, letters of longing, confessions of love...it was all neatly archived. Until now. With just one click, we ceased to exist and now... 12.08am, I am still resisting the urge to frantically search through the recycle bin or hit the back button in hope of getting my life back. But it is gone. Just like the relationship.

Tomorrow I'm leaving town for a few days, and when I come back, Jay will be gone on his 2 month trip. Our paths will not likely cross again anytime soon. I feel sad for us. Sad for myself for feeling so lonely I could die. But there are people out there who have been through worse situations, yet managed to pull themselves together. There are tons of people out there who are lonely yet they do not stay home all day mourning. They say that time heals everything, perhaps it will, perhaps not. But the thing is, life moves on.

Perhaps it is okay to once in awhile feel sadness and loneliness so powerful it feels like you're being eaten alive from the inside. It is from this completely annihilation that a new foundation can be built. Even now I feel a sense of liberation, albeit a tiny one. There are only a few more hurdles to go through and it will all be over. There will be no more reason for us to keep in touch. Once the issue of the cat and that of my stuff at his apartment are settled, we are square. Nothing more, nothing less. Except the fact that he still owes me RM3,000 and that his credit card is in my name. Actually, he can have the money. And the cat. And the DVD player. And my paper lamp. Take it all, just leave me alone. Shit...just remembered that he owes me $200 more. Bastard. Women are so stupid sometimes. They sacrifice so much for their men, and often enough, their sacrifices go unnoticed.

Guess there is no point in bitching about life like this. I'm off to go camping tomorrow!