Have you ever...felt like there isn't gonna be better days to come? Everything that you've ever said is a lie and that everything you've ever believed in is non-existent? That everything...absolutely everything is...it just doesn't make sense. Wish I was still in the hills of the Himalayas. I would have stayed there for much, much longer and worked on what's important. At least there, it is peaceful. Sometimes I feel it wouldn't be so bad to retire to the hills and lead a nice and quiet life. Come to think of it, is a job, a car and a family necessities? I'm so tired and drained. There is nothing left for me here.

Last night I saw the dumper for the first time in 6 months. It was very difficult. We did not even talk or anything. I was sitting in the car and saw him across the street. He knew I was there too. My dad had to pass something to my brother and, being friday night, the dumper was hanging out with my brother. As soon as I realized what happenned, I slumped into my seat so quickly and with so much force it was amazing I could even stand up after. It was very silly and immature, i hid.

yeah...ducked and tried to pretend i wasn't there. which was stupid coz he knew i was there. he did. i feel so sad that it had come to this. last night after all that i really just wanted to call him and talk. it's stupid to behave this way. perhaps i should call him and talk? that's what a friend said i should do...but i can't. it cannot be done without me falling apart and that is not something i look forward to. especially after thinking about the way he acted while we were in malaysia. do you have no pride, woman? i cannot forgive him.

at this point it feels like nobody will understand what im feeling except him. of all the people in the world...it is perhaps him who would understand me best. i suppose we could arrange for a time to meet up...but...if we do...i know with one hug i would just fall apart...and after the way he acted, i can't. dont think it would be too irrational to assume that he misses me too. but...i can't trust him again. never again.