Panic Attack

Think I'm having a panic attack right now. Heart rate has gone up, my heart feels really heavy. Something hurts but I don't know what.

Perhaps that is not true. The answer is within me, just unwilling to come out. It feels like there is a battle going on inside me. The moment I feel a little bit of pain, my defenses kick in full force trying to supress anything that might come up. The both sides are fighthing so hard against each other. It feels like a battlefield with some bloodshed every so often. Little jabs that come at me and then subside, only to happen again in a few seconds.

It feels like there is no way in hell my unconscious/ defenses will let anything surface. They are very strong.

At the same time though, it also feels like a little hole has been drilled into the floodgate and it is only a matter of time...

Is it true that once you get something going, it is impossible to go back?

Maybe you can put a patch on the little leak, and it would serve you well for awhile. Then comes another leak and another patch. Sooner or later, something will have to give.

Does it then not make sense to deal with the issue by opening the gate right at the beginning? That way you dont have to go through the pain of having to supress and fight all the little leaks. Wasting valuable time and energy on keeping it all together?

I guess what holds a person back is not knowing what will happen when the gate is left open and vulnerable.