Pity

6.30pm - My phone rang while I was at work.

The sailor one was at the airport. He was flying off for a job halfway across the world. Hmm, why do I feel so...sad? Not like I have seen him in quite a bit. In the past month or so, we've maybe talked once or twice. This is insane.

But think what I'm mourning more than the man himself is the possibility. With him gone, another one bites the dust. No, not like...don't really know what I want to say. All I know is that there is this feeling in my heart and it's neither comfortable nor pleasant. I feel...ineffective. Whoa! What was THAT about...

Think perhaps I know but am unwilling to admit it to myself yet.

So yeah I'm feeling kinda shitty today because of the above stated reason, plus...

1) I've been staying home too much from being sick
2) I've been staying home too much from not wanting to spend any money
3) I'm confused about what to do with my trip

So then, combined...I'm feeling kinda shitty. Not unbearable shitty, but shitty enough. Don't quite feel like calling people to chat either. I feel trapped in my own seclusion. Yes, that's the word. Seclusion. It feels like I have quarantined myself in this past week from being sick. And even when I get better, I still need to not do anything to afford my trip.

Fucking shit. There is no being content. There is just no way. I don't know how to do it!