goodbye

Scenario: 4.30am - Sitting on the toilet, head in my hands...why did I dream of the dumper?

Yeah, why DID you dream of him?

I'm notorious for having nightmares. In the middle of the night, I'd wake up with a start feeling extremely vulnerable. Traditionally, I'd go to the dumper in a situation like this and get hugged all night. It's sad that my only solace now is turning to the cold steely feeling of a word generating machine. It feels very plasticy and not much comforting.

I dreamt that the dumper and I were sitting in the back seat of my parents' car, with them actually driving. The dumper kept asking me why I wouldn't talk to him. This is not dissimilar to real life. I believe he wants to talk and keep things civil between us, but I can't. Not yet. First time in my life ever that a hurt of such magnitude has occurred.

Those who have not gone through it simply cannot imagine how gut wrenching the lost of the first love is. I'm not talking about a breakup after going out for a few months. Him and I lived together for many years. First loves usually do not last that long, do they? Perhaps it was just my misfortune. Many people would say that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before. Often a time I've posted this question to myself - If I had the chance, would I do everything the same again? All the fond memories? My answer is no. It still is. We had our good times, but it wasn't worth the huge fiasco in the end.

I cannot, simply cannot let myself think otherwise. If memories of the good times come back...I don't even want to talk about it. It will be so easy to get lost in your own feeling of helplessness and I refuse to do it!! In many ways it feels like the dumper has died. The boy I fell in love with years ago is no more. There is no going back. In his place, came a man I hardly know.

In this early time of day, with tears in my eyes, I shall mourn the loss of that boy. I loved him so.