Playing with fire

Think I'm messing up my life pretty badly.

School - called today to ask about why I have been skipping classes and why when I did make it, I was always late. Ughh, leave me the fuck alone. What does it matter? So I missed 3 days of school. We're technically allowed 3 days. So I used up the max...

Boys, boys, boys - are fun. Umm but yeah, definitely playing with fire here. Playing the field might sounds fun and all but once someone becomes detached and all boys are just boys, there is a problem, Houston. Think perhaps I have a better understanding now of people who fall into this category. Insecurities are the main sources of behaviour. That you have to cover your bases - in case one falls through there is a backup and you can move from one to the next without visible trauma.

I feel so screwed up. Remember thinking a couple of months ago when I first started out at this school, that my life has been pretty protected and smooth sailing up until recently. That I was afraid of not being able to relate to the feelings of clients who are "messed up" because I did not know what it's like.

Remember thinking that perhaps I should try resorting to alcohol and drugs just so I can get an idea of what their world is like. Just so I can truly say that I understand what they're feeling. Hmm, lol I guess in a morbid sense, all this pain and suffering that I "feel" right now will only make me a better counsellor in the future :)

After all, like an instructor said to me yesterday, I seem to have a love for intensity...

Ah heck, what is life without passion?

What is life without feeling to the extremes?

What is life without risks?

What is life without pain? The greater depths in which you feel pain, so too shall you feel the depths of happiness and joy.

I feel like a tortured soul, roaming this world aimlessly yet loving every minute of it.

For every emotion that I have subdued in the past, they are coming to the surface...

I feel alive, albeit in a painful way...