The Answer to Bad/ Abusive Relationships

Why do people stay in bad relationships?

The standard answer would either be that the person is weak or that there is that sense of security. After all isn't any relationship better than no relationship at all? The scary unknown.

While I berate N about her stupid dysfunctional relationship, it struck me how similar her situation is to mine. And while I keep telling her I didn't understand why she chooses to stay with him, and that she had a choice to walk away...it dawned on me.

I have a choice. But I chose to not walk. Walking away is so difficult when you don't want to. It honestly feels like I can't. What is this hold he has on me? So really, if I were to think that N was weak for doing what she does then how am I not the same?

While the context isn't the same, we both find ourselves in a stituation that isn't working. We know this, yet there is obviously some reward for staying. Fake security.

Everytime I think about leaving or staying away, I feel sad. Yet staying is killing my self-respect. Ahh, I've been talking about this lots and people are already sick and tired of listening to me. I'm sick of listening to my own thoughts. Is walking away the answer then?

What are my options?

This thinking about him and longing and waiting for him doesn't work. It just doesn't. I get too emotionally involved and lose sight of what it means to live in the here and now. Living in a fantasy that's not going anywhere. In a fantasy where passion and love and romance conquers all. A world where these would be enough. Unfortunately, real life isn't such, but haha I'm still not yet ready to accept this. Love conquers all dammit!

Walking away...hmm...I've tried this so so many times. So many times, but I'm no stranger to relapses. Yes, it is just like an addiction. I want to quit. I "should" quit. Can it be done? Hell yeah. I'm in control of my own life. Aren't I? Aren't we all? Do we really have the freedom of choice? Or are our choices dictated by our past learnings? Freedom of choice...ha!

So then, stop stalling. What shall I do? If I was my own client, what would be the area to focus on? What would be the issue underlying the presenting problem? What need of mine is he meeting? A need for love, closeness, understanding? Don't think acceptance is it.

And I would also check for support. If I do choose to undertake this thing of walking away, what kinda support will I have? How would I feel after I'm done typing this entry?

I would feel...some sadness, some loneliness, some confusion. Don't expect there to be any resolution by then. No, that's not fair to expect. But you know? It has been so long now. So many months that I have been waiting for him. Or so it feels. I know I haven't been sitting on my ass waiting for him, not literally but perhaps when it comes to relationships and making an effort to meet more boys...err...still no. lol. mmmmm boys.... *grin*

But maybe I just need to put some space in between our communications. lol...what a joke. Reality of it is, he's just not that into me. And I'm walking away from that.