Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Please don't ask that of me...

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it feels like I'm gonna cave in. For the third morning in a row I've woken up to the sound of my parents arguing. And as it is typical Ana style, I stay in my room until the storm is over. Since I was a kid that was what I've done. Funny how that as an adult, I still do the same.

Minus the few times over the years where I'd either take off or storm out of my room and yelled at them to shut up.

It took a whole 2 weeks for all of this to re-surface. And guillable as I was, actually thought that things were getting better. Nah. Not likely. The pattern will always be there. I feel tired, drained. Things are regressing back into my teenage years...

And like before, my mother would come talk to me and tell me things I wish she wouldn't. I do not want to have a hatred for my own father and brother which is inevidently what happens...what has happenned in the past.

I've always wondered why they couldn't just be happy. With all the things that they have, miraculously they've managed to zero in on only the negative things. And one way or the other I'm caught in the middle, always expected to be on my mum's side when I don't want to take sides...

Again, why can't they just be happy? Who was it who said that people are not made for happiness but moments of happiness?

Not that I don't want to be there for family and friends but rather...

It's just too draining. It affects me, I let it affect me. Since becoming a counsellor people come talk to me all the time expecting help. It was confirmed today when at the end of her long "talk," in which I said no more than 5 words, mum asked for my opinion as a counsellor.

It makes me feel like crying sometimes because people are looking to me for help and I can't help them. The difference between clients and family/friends is that the latter can take you down with them spiralling into a sea of sympathy. With clients, empathy is easier. With family too it is difficult to not have opinions.

I feel sad. I feel dejected and somewhat hopeless.

Trying not to think about him right now. I've decided to write him off. We're still friends but I think that's what we'll ever be. And not even real friends at that, online friends. The thought of that makes me sad also but perhaps there is a bigger issue at hand. It has to do with my own loneliness and feelings of isolation. Again who was it who said that if we cannot stand alone then we cannot be expected to stand beside another. It will only develop into a co-dependent parasitic relationship.

So guess it's back to the drawing board to work on myself some more. How am I going to be able to be there for other people, as a counsellor at that, if I can't be okay with myself and who I am...

Last night my dad was acting weird. I hate seeing him drunk.

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