Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused. - Coelho

Do I really want to ask the question? No, but it has come up again and again in the recent little while and again I feel compelled. Bear with me.

Some say love, it is a flower (the likes of Lee Ann Rhymes) but boo. What a bad explanation, that helps…not.

For some of us, talking about love (I mean romantic love) at times may pick at our curiosity and perhaps, against our will, we let out a little sigh. Will it be a sigh of hope or a sigh in memory? Perhaps a sigh for the one who got away ;)
Our reaction may depend heavily on our feelings or the foreground that is occupying our thoughts.

The question of love is in my foreground right now and here’s my hypothesis.

Love does not exist without fear.

It simply doesn’t.

Don’t know if I’d want to even try distinguishing between romantic love and say love for a parent. They are different and therefore cannot be subjected to the same parameters.

In what little experience I have, it seems to me that love and pain go together. Love and vulnerability go together. In so far as I can feel emotions that accompany love, I can feel emotions that accompany the absence of love. Have not great poets, writers, common men alike talked about the anguish of love for centuries?

For the longest time I’ve thought that stories of the olden days, the medieval times were far more romantic than anything we could conjure up in this age and time. Not true. The feelings are the same, the feelings will always be the same. It is only a matter of expression.

What am I trying to say here?

It isn’t everyday that life throws a ball into your court. Yes, yes I know the likes of you out there who think that it isn’t about waiting for life to come knocking but to head for aisle 18 at Walmart – go buy a freaking ball and put it in your own court. Whatever.

It feels like another rather dramatic turn of events (at least to me) has left a ball bouncing in my court. I’m staring at it. I want to hit it back but what? I am immobilized by fear. Silly girl, was this not what you’ve been waiting for? Are you not, after all, in your best sporting attire and what is that now in your hand? A racket? Right, you were so NOT waiting for this moment. Come on…

So what do you do? Panic, freeze? Make a face like a deer caught…what about headlights again?

When faced with the potential of love, what do you do?

Run and hide, keep out of sight until the danger is gone? Then come out again when it’s ‘safe’ to play? No, no, no, no, no. If you hid then you would not play. For at some remote region in your brain, that very same fear will be lurking.

I’m fucking it up. Gawd, instead of being happy and rejoicing in finally getting what I’ve been wanting for so long, I freeze and react. Well, ok empathy. I deserve some empathy too.

It’s scary to get what you want. Or what you think you wanted. He’s finally coming around. This tool of a boy I’ve been waiting for, for ever so long. Did I know all along that he would? I must have otherwise I wouldn’t have waited. Didn’t even realize I was waiting until I got what I’ve been waiting for. Isn’t it funny how things work?

How do I feel?

*eyes closed*

I feel…relieved. Like I’ve proved something. That I could have him if I wanted. Well, almost. I don’t know. Will I lose interest once he’s served on a giant platter? Metaphorically speaking *ahem* ;)

Bastard that I am, will I use excuses to push him away? Yes. That’s what I do. There’s always an excuse. But yes I know, these excuses are nothing more than excuses. Fear. I hate that word.

Could I really love someone again?

In the past 6 months or so I' ve spouted phrases such as – I’m ready to fall in love – I just want to meet somebody that I can relate to – Where are all the exciting men? Well I’ve found this exciting man…he has been there all along. I was just waiting for him to fall in love with me.

Have I fucked it up beyond redemption? Pride got in the way. Yep, definitely my old friend pride. Sworn enemy of humility. Why did he make me wait so long? Now that I can, I want to inflict the same kind of pain he has caused me all these while ß note: typical victim mentality, ickkk…

HAVE I fucked it up real bad? No, I don’t think so. And if I have, it is a price I had to pay for a must-learn lesson in life.

When life throws a ball into your court. You play. Don't ask questions.