A Boo Hoo Post, Twice Removed

Despite my greatest efforts at being positive and such sometimes things are just shit :) When enough is enough and yet it isn't, things are just shit. When somebody says, "I still love you but you shouldn't wait for me," things are just shit. I don't know where to go from here.

Being weak is something I detest. When something needs to be done and I can't do it, self-loathing over flows at the brim. It is true there is always a choice. So what's the pay off for keeping up this joke of a behaviour? WHAT AM I GETTING OUT OF THIS?? What's so scary about the alternative?

Let's bloody look at this from a Behavioural point of view. I've always been a fan of that school of thought anyways. I'm going to therapy myself out of this!!

Therapeutic Intervention:

1) Asses problem behaviours and conditions that are maintaining it
2) help client engage in specific action rather than just talking about it
3) teach methods of self-management and monitoring progress

Goal of Therapy:

- enlarge repertoire of adaptive behaviour
- client to accept responsibility for change

See, simple.

behaviour -> positive/ negative reinforcement -> maintenance of behaviour
behaviour -> positive/ negative punishment -> decrease of behaviour

LEGEND

Behaviour - coming online, waiting for that sodding bastard ( no, I'm not bitter)
+ve Reinforcement - getting I love yous, feeling loved
-ve reinforcement - temporary disappearance of loneliness
+ve Punishment - feelings of uselessness and disappointment (in both parties involved)
-ve Punishment - loss of self-respect? haha...

Well, OBVIOUSLY my punishments are not as effective as the reinforcements coz I repeatedly find myself seeking reinforcements, sacrificing myself to punishment. Willingly at that *grin*

Oh my gawd! So I guess a course of action is to increase the effectiveness of my punishments. Haha, not. The most powerful agent of change is apparently positive reinforcement.

behaviour (going out with friends, doing something new, meeting people)

positive reinforcement (feeling loved, accepted, fulfilled even)

Maintenance of behaviour ( going out more and having fun.)

Note: The only lil concern is that I cannot guarantee the positive reinforcements. Hmm. Maybe that's the whole point. To seek out positive reinforcements. What could fill this space in my life? Apart from travelling. What will give me the same highs?

Whoa, this actually works. The real question is...what makes me feel loved, accepted and fulfilled? For as long as these are not answered I will always resort to old/ maladaptive behaviours that have been reinforced before. That's the only way I know how. Experiment? Try new things? Haha, easier said than done but not undo-able.

I think to a certain extend, Perls was right in saying that all roads lead to Rome. Was it him who said it? I could have chosen Behaviour or CBT or any of the schools of thoughts to talk about, ultimately it would have led back to the same question.

What is my motivation? What gets me excited about life?

Apathy is the real killer of our generation.