Happiness: Possibility or Dream?

You know the saying that we all eventually become our parents?

Is that not a scary thought?

See, for as long as I can remember my parents were never truly happy and content. It took me a whole 2 weeks of living with them again to be reminded of the very reason why I fought so hard to put some distance between them and myself. In that sense, I have done well for myself.

It took 2 weeks for me to get sucked into the whole mess again. The screaming, the bitching, the hate and contempt for another human being.

Why is it that we are the meanest to the people we love the most? What kind of world is it that we live in where people guard against showing others how much they care, but do not hesitate to show contempt when wronged (or at least assess themselves to have been wronged.)

I don't get it.

And they wonder why I refuse to settle down. While I do not blame my parents for much in my life, they play a big part in my not wanting to get stuck in a life I hate. Although it is rather difficult to imagine me sacrificing my peace of mind in settling for 'less than' conditions, I admit to walking away way too quickly.

Is it worth it?

What makes people stay in life situations where they find themselves miserable beyond normal misery (if there is such a thing?)

Admittedly life can feel pretty shitty somedays but at least I'm not stuck. And everyday that I wake up in the morning, I'm going to thank god for that.

For the courage to not settle for the life I do not want.

It has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion but perhaps I do not want a conventional life. My life so far has been anything but conventional. So what makes me think I will suddenly wake up one day and want completely different things?

Our values, ideals, perspectives did not form overnight. Accordingly they will not disband overnight either. I keep waiting and waiting for the day I will wake up and find myself happy in a life so many others before me had found comfort in.

Lots of good that did me.

Panic attacks were the result. Doing things that were not true to my heart. I had somehow managed to talk myself into wanting a full-time job, a house and possibly 2.5kids, a mini-van and a successful career. Package A.

Seriously, for those of you who know me...do you see me staying home cooking 3 meals a day for my 2.5 kids? Fussing about in my kitchen all day cooking food with love for my family? Driving them to and from school and ball practise etc?

For the longest time I've somehow thought that I could want this. But I don't. It isn't me, I know this. But wanting different things bring about a sense of guilt in me greater than you can imagine.

Is it wrong to want to be different? Perhaps the question isn't even that. The thing is, I AM different.