Friday, October 22, 2010

Looking deep for a reason

It's Friday night and I'm sitting at home, on my bed, completely pooped. This week has been a little rough. Between practicum, work and school it doesn't feel like I had any down time at all.

Last night it all amounted to a lump in my throat. Why am I pushing myself so hard again? What is my purpose for putting myself through a hellish 3 years? I can see a destination but yet I cannot see or feel my own feet that are walking the path.

On the train today I was listening to a talk about patience. The analogy that seems to fit my life right now is the one with the donkey and the carrot. The donkey works hard, pulls a heavy load on it's back as it keeps going, trying to get the carrot dangling in front of it. No matter how fast the donkey goes, how hard the donkey pushes itself, the carrot is just a few inches ahead of him. He can see it but he cannot have it. I am this donkey.

What is my purpose for pursuing this path anyways? My carrot seems ever so elusive. Patience is the point of the story. If I were to stop chasing the carrot, it might go move further away for awhile. Further away than it has ever seemed, but it will always come back. And if I just wait, it will fall right into my mouth.

Why am I doing this again? For a good career, for a better life? For validation? What is my REAL reason? Sometimes after a rough week, even the destination seems unclear and shrouded by a thick fog.

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