A Surreal Existence

Life seems to be flashing by me.

The past few days have been somewhat surreal. Like I don't really know what's going on and I have been living in a daze. What's going on here? What's all this about? I no longer have control over my mind. It feels like I'm surrendering my cognitive state and instead surrendering to a higher power? This is weird.

My higher power however is not god. At least it doesn't feel like it. This higher power seems to take on the face of humanity. The experience I had on Friday, in class, was weird. There was honesty and connection beyond anything I have experienced. Is it possible for people to be so honest with one another yet not foster hate and resentment? How is it that total honesty could lead to so much love? Again, what was this experience? It is very, very foreign to me.

People were crying, tempers flared, nervous tension. Dissociative states.

Yet it all ended in love and connection. If only we could lead our lives like that everyday, wouldn't the world be a happier place? Hmm, don't know if I could handle emotions like that every single day. That's the thing. Human beings have so perfected the art of escaping pain that we do not live anymore. Not truly anyways.

Does it sound like I'm going crazy?

But no, you guys know me. I'm not some stupid dumb person who swallows ideas and theories without due criticism. Which is why I'm saying, this is so weird. Even my instructor talked about 'a higher power.' And I believe he was refering to god but he did not push it. It was more like - a higher power whatever it may be for you. Somewhat open ended.

Anywho, Friday was a day of tears for many of us in class. Not just the women but men as well. I had cried because my heart was filled with so many emotions I could not begin to describe them. There was sadness, pain, empowerment, happiness, gratitude, loss, love, confusion, inspiration, motivation, loneliness etc. All mixed in one. It was like I was feeling all of my supressed emotions surfacing at once. It was very scary but I am glad to have people give me hugs and words of encouragement at this time of confusion. So in terms of support, I have lots available to me.

However, this weekend finds me isolating myself for time to think and process what has changed in my life. Will this prove to be a life altering experience for me? I doubt it. Not in the direct sense that is. Perhaps it is, I don't know.

But as a therapist, I have learned a method of helping people face their own worst enemy, themselves. And to be so totally and brutally honest with yourself that there is no more hiding behind a facade. At least for a little while. I have seen how this works but do not feel confident enough quite yet. Even my instructor said that he could see I was inexperienced but my presence in a session was very strong. Therefore perhaps in the future I will make a good Gestaltist.

Very encouraging. But me being me, I cannot take a compliment for what it is.

Another thing to work on.

Now I see how therapy is like art. It is not something to be described or taught but rather, experienced.