Seeking

There's something I'm looking for out there. Looking always looking. I don't know what it is but...

Well maybe a boy, but not just that.

I'm looking for an excitement of some sort. Something that will make my heart beat fast, something that will inspire me. Something that will fill up my heart, something that will be enough. It is never enough though, nothing will ever be enough. Or so it feels like...

Okay I'll admit it, life feels pretty empty sometimes. And at other times, it feels full. But I am never content. Even in a relationship before there were times that I felt content with things but no...there were times too that I kept asking myself if there was more to life than that...this.

Is there? More to life than this?

It almost wants to make me go wander the world. To seek answers to my questions. So many...what is the purpose of life? What is MY purpose of life. I suppose it is different for everyone. There may not be a universal purpose....

So then what is mine? What is yours? Do you know?

Perhaps a more realistic approach would be to learn to be content. And right now, I don't know how. I can't be content. I'm always looking, always seeking, always questioning...unrest. I am in essence looking for myself. While I feel strong and confident in some parts of life, ie. my values...there are some parts that I am still floundering with.

Wandering the streets of India for awhile sounds like a good plan. I've heard of tourists going to retreats and into an ashram of sorts, learning to meditate and not speak for a whole week. This time around, I will go to one of those. It sounds very appealing. To just sit and learn from a guru on how to meditate and be at peace.

Somehow it doesn't feel like I belong in this rat race. At times it is very fake and I'm seeking an understanding of life, of people...on a deeper level. I can't stand fake anymore. Hmm, in a sense it feels like this past year and last year has been an awakening for me. It's as if I have waken from a deep slumber and for the first time ever, discovering myself.

It feels like a jorney. A journey of understanding. The world, myself, and people. There is a risk though. There is a chance that I will come back, still having not found myself. Life will be different, yes. Then again life is always going to be different whether you travel the world or sit in front of the tv, no 2 seconds are going to be the same.

Hmm...and I am very aware of my rambling here...but alas...there is lots inside me that needs to be expressed somehow. I've already had a drink and then some but these words are still in me...bottled up...

While I say goodbye to one Chris, another one says hello, long time no see.

Last night was the last straw. I know Murni, you said that it would come to this, and I knew too. Really I did. Last night we were chatting and again he made me realize how much he didn't really care. Perhaps I was satisfying his need for being admired, for being pined after. I don't know what it is, but he hasn't been stringing me on out of the affection he feels for me. He is a selfish bastard and I know it. So then this will be take 300 of me trying to move along. Think this will be a good long one though. The last time I did a really good job, we didn't talk for...hmm...almost 4-5 months? This time I have a feeling it will be another long stretch. Hopefully for good? I don't know. Part of me, an idiotic stupid fantasy indulging part, still thinks that we will be together 'someday.' What the frick? Always the dreamer. Guess all that matters is that I keep trying...

The other Chris that I haven't spoken to for awhile called out of the blue today.

This sitting around waiting for boys to call is so not cutting it. But this Chris, hmm I like him but being a sailor...it was always in the back of my head that he'd be going away. So yeah I like hanging out with him but we both knew...

Hmm...I guess if I had to pick one boy right now, I know who I'd pick. Maybe not. I don't know. There just isn't anyone I feel totally excited about. Again, I'm seeking fireworks. That crazy excited feeling that makes me feel like exploding or faint with excitement...lol. That feeling that I can't wait to see that someone all the time. That even being away for 2 seconds is unbearable feeling...

I felt that with Jay at the very beginning. It was insane. And in hindsight, I do not hate him. Anymore...lol. there was a lot of love in that relationship and for that I am thankful. Then there was Chris who made my heart feel like jumping out of my chest everytime we met. Or even just talk, you know?

Guess what I'm saying is that I want to fall in love. Or fall into...infatuation? lol

To be smitten in the moment without playing games, without fearing that the person might leave. That's so such an issue for me. Termination, and saying goodbye and ending things. You know?

I think...yeah, this will probably be it for me. Hmm, I'm nearing the point where a stable relationship is what I'm looking for. Perhaps after this trip, perhaps....I will then start looking for someone to be with for like a long term kinda thing and just keep looking. Perhaps after this trip I will know what I'm looking for...

Yeesh, looks like a lot is riding on this one trip. Talk about pressure! I'm supposed to find myself and discover everything there is to know about the world at the end of thid trip. Know what though, lol...chances are...things will be the same...lol...ah heck...it's all good.

Maybe that's why I like going away so much. Everytime you go away (no, not like the song) you come back to a fresh start. It's exciting, it's new...

Hmm...*sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* wow....that felt good.

All that off my chest...

And now, I have to go to bed. Going out for breakfast in the morning...yummm....bacon and eggs and coffee...blissssssssssss

hhahahaha don't worry about me friends and relatives, I love you guys tons and for as long as there is love, I will prevail :)

*hugssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss*

As my friend Melissa would say - I LOVE YOU GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!